Seriously, now!

People really need to get with the program.

I am continuing on in my self-centric view of the world in which I act just like every other human being. (READ: The world revolves around me and my plans).

The Boy, The Munchkin, and I were supposed to go to San Diego for a few days with my parents and sisters to see Greg, Linds, and Cambria and take the kiddos to Sea World.

First, there was a time when we weren't sure if The Boy's vacation time was going to be cancelled. Then, he had financial issues so he's not going after all. That means that I need to either find a way to go myself or miss out on the kiddos' first time at Sea World. I will not spend several days in a hotel room with my parents and sisters and I really don't want to spend several days in a small apartment with my brother and sister in law. Ugh.

Anyway, tonight I was planning on getting out and having some fun. My friend Stef invited me to go see a Led Zeppelin cover band that's playing at Fish Lips tonight. The cover was kind of outrageous, but it sounded like fun...especially since I can't go out of town like I wanted to on account of Mother's Day. I figured I'd celebrate the weekend with some dinner and drinks and good rock n roll. That is, until Stef texted me to say that the new bartender called in (again, for the second Friday in a row) and she'll be working a double. She won't even get off work until at least midnight. So there goes my plans for forgetting my troubles for while.

Instead, I'm looking at a night spent in my house, probably contemplating organization and doing very little. Perhaps I'll drink a bottle of wine. Probably, though, it'll be another night of me sitting in front of the TV, drinking iced tea and eating celery sticks. Too bad there's nothing good on TV on Friday nights and I don't have cable or the internet. I'll then spend the rest of the weekend (with the possible exception of Mother's Day itself when I might actually be too busy for self pity) missing The Boy and wishing I had a life outside of work and lying on either his couch or mine.

Have I mentioned I feel like my stomach is eating my insides alive? I've had incessant heartburn of the extremely uncomfortable variety and have been living on Peppermints and Tums. I actually keep root beer by the bed or couch when I'm asleep so I can wake up and drink something that will calm my stomach and hopefully ease the acid that usually makes me feel like I'm going to throw up every five minutes.

I really wish there was more to everyday life than all these things that make me constantly stressed.

Fried Rice

3-4 c. Prepared white rice (I make it the day before and leave it in the refrigerator so it's nice and cold)
1 c. frozen stir fry vegetables (I steam them with the rice, but you can defrost them in the microwave separately)
1/2 medium white onion
2 Eggs
2-3 Tbsp Peanut Oil
1-2 Tbsp Soy Sauce
Salt
Pepper
Garlic powder

In a large non-stick skillet (or Wok if you have one), heat peanut oil. Add onions and saute for a few minutes. Add both eggs and break them up as they cook. Add the vegetables and rice and fry for several minutes. Add soy sauce, salt, pepper, and garlic powder and continue frying for a few more minutes.

I served it with cheater's Teriyaki Chicken (the frozen kind from Costco) and some fresh carrots and celery.

Depression

Holding back tears
Shortness of breath
Heart pounding in chest
Million pounds on my breast

So many questions
So many sighs
All to often I hear
A handful of lies

Inadequacy is
My middle name
Say what you will
It all sounds the same

Nights draped in shadow
Lonely and bleak
I open my mouth
Unable to speak

So here I lie
Alone again tonight
Inexcusably weak
With tears on my cheek

And the world spins on...

I find myself completely frustrated by anything and everything lately. Nothing can go the way that I want and no one follows through with the things I think they should. Yes, this is most definitely the narcissistic Bethanie speaking today.

The biggest frustration in my life right now is work. I know, you are all thinking that work is probably the most common frustration known to mankind, but, for me, the frustration comes on two fronts.

First of all, I work myself into the ground constantly and barely mange to stay ahead of the next curveball. Sometimes, I don't even manage to stay ahead and find myself spending extra hours and days playing catch up when we're hit with an unexpected project.

Secondly, I never get to see the ones I love. Sure, I get one or two nights a week with my family, but never all at once. I haven't spent any decent time with The Boy since we went on vacation. The best time we've gotten is me sitting on one end of the couch, reading, while he plays COD on the other end. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a decent conversation. Maybe this is the way relationships go? All I know is that our time together gets shorter and shorter with each passing week and I resent more and more the hours that I spend at work while he's at home and the hours he works while I try not to stay home.

The separation feeds my depression and I feel alone and unwanted. I know it's not his fault, or mine, for that matter. Maybe the weeks off and on vacation skewed my idea of how much time we should have together. Maybe I'm just being crazy. Goodness knows, I haven't been able to sleep much lately. The recurring nightmares are hell.

Even when we're together, I miss him. Is it wrong to want more than a quick kiss good morning or good night a few days a week? Am I asking too much to be allowed more than an hour or two a week of time with him?